The Winter Solstice was a time of contemplation for me and has seen me make a few steps toward major life changes, nothing to drastic to be down for now, but a gentle process of acceptance for things to come and letting go of the ways of old.
I have been sinking into depressive 'episodes' and having gentle and discreet panic attacks more and more often in the last few months and nothing is helping me get a handle on it.
The release of tension and stress involved in commitments I had made has helped. The acceptance of changes that I didn't want to make have done more good than stressing about the changes I wanted to resist, but really knew I wouldn't be able to for much longer.
Tax time here brings with it new financial challenges and concerns of where the money needs to go and what we should do versus what we want to do and finding the balance in all that lies ahead. It most certainly isn't easy.
New ideas, old ideas, ideas that you just know are not going to be applicable to your life, no matter how much you want them to be.
At almost 30, I can only hope that at some point in the next 20 years I will have made some progress toward leaving something behind for my children rather than leaving something behind that will only take away from what they are trying to achieve when the time comes.
It is hard to contemplate leaving things behind for anyone! Death is an unknown, the when, how, where of it all is just the beginning!
There is the what happens after, and not just for me, for my children.
Will I get to see the next generation grow?
Call me whatever you might but I just can't accept the fact that it all just ends, regardless of body state. I just can't even fathom the idea that we just disappear and never know what our children and grand children got up too.. or for that matter any of the family any of us leave behind.
Maybe we get to a point where it really doesn't matter to us what happens to everyone else?
Wow, this post went an entirely different direction than I originally planned it!
It was supposed to be up beat, about our growing light and the ever present sunshine my area of the world has been receiving through the depths of winter when it should be dark, cold and wet.
Oh well things change, weather included!
Next post promises to be more interesting with photo's, fun and laughter!
July 4, 2012
winter solitude
Into the depths of winter here, in terms of the cold at any rate! With the solstice passing us by last month and a small ritual to commit to leaving some attributes behind with the darkness and some new ones coming forth into the ever increasing light.
The business has taken a new course, I am stalling the changes a little because I am unsure as to how I want to step forward.
I have been looking into starting a 'real job' it is a while off. Hinging on a lot of outside factors, but there is a place I want to work, for stability, locality and monetary reasons! I am focusing my energies heavily on that pathway and I will not sway from that in my intentions but rather add to it.
So my little business will become more of a hobby, the intention being to share what I can do with the world around me and beyond.
I will create when I feel the pull towards creation and I will pull back from that as the need arises.
I have plans to start new projects and new lines of 'stock'!
I am in no rush to produce any of those, I will accept that when the time is right the opportunity will present itself to me.
I travel my web of life as it's string passes by many others sometimes connecting and other times traveling the same direction but never meeting. I trust that the things I need will forever be in my reach and at the right time the strings will connect.
May the circle of life keep turning.
The business has taken a new course, I am stalling the changes a little because I am unsure as to how I want to step forward.
I have been looking into starting a 'real job' it is a while off. Hinging on a lot of outside factors, but there is a place I want to work, for stability, locality and monetary reasons! I am focusing my energies heavily on that pathway and I will not sway from that in my intentions but rather add to it.
So my little business will become more of a hobby, the intention being to share what I can do with the world around me and beyond.
I will create when I feel the pull towards creation and I will pull back from that as the need arises.
I have plans to start new projects and new lines of 'stock'!
I am in no rush to produce any of those, I will accept that when the time is right the opportunity will present itself to me.
I travel my web of life as it's string passes by many others sometimes connecting and other times traveling the same direction but never meeting. I trust that the things I need will forever be in my reach and at the right time the strings will connect.
May the circle of life keep turning.
Half way there!
Well we are half way through the year!
In order to better understand what is going on I will split this post into 3 one for each kidlet.
Big Kidlet, in year 4 this year, seems to be enjoying her year, we have had a few bad days but she is mostly enjoying her time, although seems to get irritated with the amount of time she spends taking her brother to his class room in the mornings!
She had her 10th birthday last month, and is developing into a young woman at a seemingly magical rate! She is still a hard child to accommodate for, being very set in her ways and not giving an inch without making it out as the worst thing in the world!
She is still very much into technology and doesn't want much to do with anything out of doors, hopefully this summer will turn her around.
Boy Kidlet has taken to school and new found freedoms in leaps and bounds. He knows what he wants out of the experience and for now that is working to his advantage. He recently had his hair cut! He has had long hair pulled back all year, put up with teasing and reminded people continuously that they were silly because "boys can have long hair and I am a boy"! He went to school on 'Crazy Day' dressed as a girl, because he thought it was a brilliant idea to throw people off, and when pressed for ideas on what girls wear, announced that girls wear "Trousers and t-shirts and jumpers"! He went to school with a dress ups fairy dress over his regular clothes, pleased as punch! So his hair is now short, as per his request "as long as my little finger" He loves his new do! He looks much taller and more grown up, and it is still a shock to see his whole face without hair in front of it, even after 1.5 weeks.
Small Kidlet, I can't call her baby anymore! Turning 3 last month, she is a delight most of the time but is a very stubborn child with her own ideas on what and how everything should be done! It is amazing to watch her come into herself, challenging to let her test her boundaries over and over again, day after day! I struggle and then there are moments of quite contemplation where I know I wouldn't want it any other way. Teaching a 3 year old that she can't draw on a piano that someone else has drawn letters on before her is just a flaw. How is she supposed to tell the difference between a letter on a key and her own colourful scribblings?
So the circle turns... ever creeping closer to the moment every parent both longs for and dreads.... When children no longer need them.. we all hope our children will then choose to want us instead!
In order to better understand what is going on I will split this post into 3 one for each kidlet.
Big Kidlet, in year 4 this year, seems to be enjoying her year, we have had a few bad days but she is mostly enjoying her time, although seems to get irritated with the amount of time she spends taking her brother to his class room in the mornings!
She had her 10th birthday last month, and is developing into a young woman at a seemingly magical rate! She is still a hard child to accommodate for, being very set in her ways and not giving an inch without making it out as the worst thing in the world!
She is still very much into technology and doesn't want much to do with anything out of doors, hopefully this summer will turn her around.
Boy Kidlet has taken to school and new found freedoms in leaps and bounds. He knows what he wants out of the experience and for now that is working to his advantage. He recently had his hair cut! He has had long hair pulled back all year, put up with teasing and reminded people continuously that they were silly because "boys can have long hair and I am a boy"! He went to school on 'Crazy Day' dressed as a girl, because he thought it was a brilliant idea to throw people off, and when pressed for ideas on what girls wear, announced that girls wear "Trousers and t-shirts and jumpers"! He went to school with a dress ups fairy dress over his regular clothes, pleased as punch! So his hair is now short, as per his request "as long as my little finger" He loves his new do! He looks much taller and more grown up, and it is still a shock to see his whole face without hair in front of it, even after 1.5 weeks.
Small Kidlet, I can't call her baby anymore! Turning 3 last month, she is a delight most of the time but is a very stubborn child with her own ideas on what and how everything should be done! It is amazing to watch her come into herself, challenging to let her test her boundaries over and over again, day after day! I struggle and then there are moments of quite contemplation where I know I wouldn't want it any other way. Teaching a 3 year old that she can't draw on a piano that someone else has drawn letters on before her is just a flaw. How is she supposed to tell the difference between a letter on a key and her own colourful scribblings?
So the circle turns... ever creeping closer to the moment every parent both longs for and dreads.... When children no longer need them.. we all hope our children will then choose to want us instead!
May 30, 2012
Pretend
It seems to me that a lot of people pretend to be someone they are not, and that they do so because people are not willing to accept who they actually are as a legitimate or meaningful thing.
A lot of the time I struggle to decide who I will be today. I find myself dreading going to certain places and seeing certain people. A lot of the time those people are the people closest to me, my family. My sister's, mother, father, in Laws...
Every where I turn everyone I have available to me for support all have limitations. Or if they don't, I feel as though they do!
I am a parent, I understand the implications of choosing to be a parent, and I understand the implications of choosing to be a parent who just needs some time out. I am a, let face this, pretty crap parent. I rarely do things with my children, I don't organise out of school activities, I rarely leave the house. Because of this my children follow my lead and they don't want to do things that require them to leave the house, even just to go outside and play... if it involves turning off the tv or computer they do not want to know.
And in true Bad parenting fashion, most of the time I just can't be bothered with the screaming match and arguement I need to have with them.
So I struggle with the thought that I am seen as the bad parent, hell if I see that in myself I am sure others see it.
I rely on my husband to do a lot of things and will not organise things for him to be involved with, without his input and this seems something that no one around me can accept. So I struggle with not being a 'good' wife.
I don't do housework, well I do, but not much, obviously not enough because my house is constantly in the shambles and the moods that evolve from that, escalate and make the whole thing worse. I am not a 'good' cleaner.
I struggle with time management, and inspiration, and when relying on those things to run a business it is just not good enough. I am not a 'good' business person.
My beliefs are unlike most people around me, I struggle to show people who I am because it is consistantly ridiculed by the people that are supposed to support me no matter what. When I show my children photo's or their births (crowning and placenta's) I am ridiculed because it is disgusting. I see it as beauty.
When I talk about the items I make and the properties they imbue, I am laughed at. Really most people ask me a question regarding what a dream pillow does, then as I explain they tune out and sometime start another conversation before I am finished.
Really if you are not interested don't waste my time in asking.
I enjoy who I am, for the most part. I don't enjoy who I pretend to be so that people will accept me.
My business has given me an outlet into a world of people I feel I can be myself with, I am not a good business person, I am not a good writer, I am not a good public speaker, in fact just walking in public and being seen makes me anxious. I don't enjoy buying things in person because it means I need to interact with people I don't know, face to face.
This coming month represents so much that is challenging for me, but also allows me the opportunity to shine in the element of belief that I hold so close.
The winter solstice is not far away. I will be taking my business to the local Body and Soul Festival, where I will invite people to share with me in banishing the old and embracing the new. I will have ritual tools set up and paper and pens for people to add the items they wish to banish and embrace to the ritual that I will perform on my home ground come the day and night of the solstice.
It is time to embrace what I am and not turn my back on it!
These songs are two that resonate with me at the moment.
and these ones are inspired by the winter solstice and may just find their way into my ritual night.
A lot of the time I struggle to decide who I will be today. I find myself dreading going to certain places and seeing certain people. A lot of the time those people are the people closest to me, my family. My sister's, mother, father, in Laws...
Every where I turn everyone I have available to me for support all have limitations. Or if they don't, I feel as though they do!
I am a parent, I understand the implications of choosing to be a parent, and I understand the implications of choosing to be a parent who just needs some time out. I am a, let face this, pretty crap parent. I rarely do things with my children, I don't organise out of school activities, I rarely leave the house. Because of this my children follow my lead and they don't want to do things that require them to leave the house, even just to go outside and play... if it involves turning off the tv or computer they do not want to know.
And in true Bad parenting fashion, most of the time I just can't be bothered with the screaming match and arguement I need to have with them.
So I struggle with the thought that I am seen as the bad parent, hell if I see that in myself I am sure others see it.
I rely on my husband to do a lot of things and will not organise things for him to be involved with, without his input and this seems something that no one around me can accept. So I struggle with not being a 'good' wife.
I don't do housework, well I do, but not much, obviously not enough because my house is constantly in the shambles and the moods that evolve from that, escalate and make the whole thing worse. I am not a 'good' cleaner.
I struggle with time management, and inspiration, and when relying on those things to run a business it is just not good enough. I am not a 'good' business person.
My beliefs are unlike most people around me, I struggle to show people who I am because it is consistantly ridiculed by the people that are supposed to support me no matter what. When I show my children photo's or their births (crowning and placenta's) I am ridiculed because it is disgusting. I see it as beauty.
When I talk about the items I make and the properties they imbue, I am laughed at. Really most people ask me a question regarding what a dream pillow does, then as I explain they tune out and sometime start another conversation before I am finished.
Really if you are not interested don't waste my time in asking.
I enjoy who I am, for the most part. I don't enjoy who I pretend to be so that people will accept me.
My business has given me an outlet into a world of people I feel I can be myself with, I am not a good business person, I am not a good writer, I am not a good public speaker, in fact just walking in public and being seen makes me anxious. I don't enjoy buying things in person because it means I need to interact with people I don't know, face to face.
This coming month represents so much that is challenging for me, but also allows me the opportunity to shine in the element of belief that I hold so close.
The winter solstice is not far away. I will be taking my business to the local Body and Soul Festival, where I will invite people to share with me in banishing the old and embracing the new. I will have ritual tools set up and paper and pens for people to add the items they wish to banish and embrace to the ritual that I will perform on my home ground come the day and night of the solstice.
It is time to embrace what I am and not turn my back on it!
These songs are two that resonate with me at the moment.
and these ones are inspired by the winter solstice and may just find their way into my ritual night.
May 16, 2012
Of Things Past.. (or passed?)
Perhaps both?
Past, as in, things that have happened before now, and also passed, as in, time that has passed me by! Yes?, No?, what do you think?
The circle keeps turning and my blogging has still not become the regular habitual thing that I had intended when I began blogging! Life just seems too in the way? Well no not really, I just seem too, I don't want to say depressed, but that is part of it, maybe more... oh fuck it, I can't tell you, I am not a dictionary by any means!
But something is up and I just don't WANT to do, well, anything! But then I want to do things, lots of things, I just can't be bothered!
I had a good day yesterday, I did 4 loads of washing (not even half of it) and spent little time on the computer (compared to what I normally do!) I read some... more on that later! I was feeling pretty good about, well, everything really!
Now today I am back to where I was before! The circle keeps turning!
So I will turn it back in my head a few weeks, and start back there shall I?
After I get myself another cup of tea...
Ok, change that to Hot Chocolate and the left over quiche from dinner last night, because at 12.30pm I still have not eaten today! Took me 2 seconds to decide that I needed the whole thing heated before attempting to eat it and a minute to nuke it until it was less than hot, but not cold!
Time winding.... Except how far back do I go, and how much rambled crap really needs to go on the blog? Seriously?
Ok so, Mother's Day, and the new book I am reading!
I have been a mother for almost 10 years! I have loved and loathed it at different moments, mostly the former, but certainly a little of the latter. I am not by any means a great mother, I really am not sure I am even a good mother, I mean I give my kids what they need and make sure they are healthy, I would say happy but with a 9yo going on 16... she is never happy! There is always something to whine about and if there isn't she will create something! Chances are that I will be the cause of it! That is what mothers are for, right?
So come Mother's Day, a day just like any other, except, I chose to let everything slip aside and let her into the kitchen, with some of her father's help to make me eggs on toast for breakfast, she did 90% of it on her own, without hurting herself and it was pretty tasty. Followed by a visit to the In Laws, and then a child free trip to watch Hubby play hockey. Then back to the in laws for dinner and to collect the children, where my day promptly turned to shit... but you know that is ok too.
My 9yo was busy helping in the kitchen to make the mothers day dinner, and with school the next day it was clear at 8pm with still no dinner it would be a late night. We sat down to dinner at 8.30 and it was about 9.30 when we left.
The kids where very tired but amazing the next morning getting up for school and being ready on time for the bus.
As a mother I need to offer my older child more opportunities to be her own person and take responsibility of more things, I need to trust that she is a capable person and can do it.
And to the presents I received, my darling boy made a lavender bag and a card at school, the big girl did a card on the computer at school also, then hubby went shopping and bought me the book I have longer for since I first knew about it... The Bloggess's (I am not sure that is grammatically correct, and I don't care either!) "Let's Pretend This Never happened" I am thrilled to bits with it and secretly wish I was able to tell a story as well as Jenny! Although fucked up in ways most unbelievable, there is a certain magnificent charm to her, her book and her humour that is quite often a LOL factor in my day!
Then we come to the business factors of life! I have an online market in less than 2 weeks, a huge 2 days festival in 1 month from TODAY! and I am in desperate need of creating and developing and producing enough stock for both! OMG, when you combine that with my absolute ability to be able to sit here and do almost NOTHING all day, most days and allow it all to compile and chip at my head space continuously getting closer and closer and no less work... I am slightly falling apart at the prospect of having it done and ignoring that it needs to be done in an attempt to hold it together which is totally working on the outside, but NOT AT ALL on the inside and I am still getting nothing done! Yay WAY. TO. GO. ME!!!
I have almost 50 crystal pendants to stitch, 27 crystal kits to make up, labels and uses to print out for them all after that. I have candle kits to put together and info sheets to go with those, I have dream pillow designs to draw and then sew and fill with wool and sew again!
I have note book cover to design and make, I have wall hangings that I need to create and on top of all that, a house with a mouse plague that I am failing to clean day in and week out... come the end of June I think it will be time to turn my attentions to what I have to manage outside of the business and get on top of that in time for the Medieval themed Fancy Dress Party we are throwing for our 30th birthdays in July... and I really need to type up a paper invite for that because I have more people to invite than just those on facebook!
Past, as in, things that have happened before now, and also passed, as in, time that has passed me by! Yes?, No?, what do you think?
The circle keeps turning and my blogging has still not become the regular habitual thing that I had intended when I began blogging! Life just seems too in the way? Well no not really, I just seem too, I don't want to say depressed, but that is part of it, maybe more... oh fuck it, I can't tell you, I am not a dictionary by any means!
But something is up and I just don't WANT to do, well, anything! But then I want to do things, lots of things, I just can't be bothered!
I had a good day yesterday, I did 4 loads of washing (not even half of it) and spent little time on the computer (compared to what I normally do!) I read some... more on that later! I was feeling pretty good about, well, everything really!
Now today I am back to where I was before! The circle keeps turning!
So I will turn it back in my head a few weeks, and start back there shall I?
After I get myself another cup of tea...
Ok, change that to Hot Chocolate and the left over quiche from dinner last night, because at 12.30pm I still have not eaten today! Took me 2 seconds to decide that I needed the whole thing heated before attempting to eat it and a minute to nuke it until it was less than hot, but not cold!
Time winding.... Except how far back do I go, and how much rambled crap really needs to go on the blog? Seriously?
Ok so, Mother's Day, and the new book I am reading!
I have been a mother for almost 10 years! I have loved and loathed it at different moments, mostly the former, but certainly a little of the latter. I am not by any means a great mother, I really am not sure I am even a good mother, I mean I give my kids what they need and make sure they are healthy, I would say happy but with a 9yo going on 16... she is never happy! There is always something to whine about and if there isn't she will create something! Chances are that I will be the cause of it! That is what mothers are for, right?
So come Mother's Day, a day just like any other, except, I chose to let everything slip aside and let her into the kitchen, with some of her father's help to make me eggs on toast for breakfast, she did 90% of it on her own, without hurting herself and it was pretty tasty. Followed by a visit to the In Laws, and then a child free trip to watch Hubby play hockey. Then back to the in laws for dinner and to collect the children, where my day promptly turned to shit... but you know that is ok too.
My 9yo was busy helping in the kitchen to make the mothers day dinner, and with school the next day it was clear at 8pm with still no dinner it would be a late night. We sat down to dinner at 8.30 and it was about 9.30 when we left.
The kids where very tired but amazing the next morning getting up for school and being ready on time for the bus.
As a mother I need to offer my older child more opportunities to be her own person and take responsibility of more things, I need to trust that she is a capable person and can do it.
And to the presents I received, my darling boy made a lavender bag and a card at school, the big girl did a card on the computer at school also, then hubby went shopping and bought me the book I have longer for since I first knew about it... The Bloggess's (I am not sure that is grammatically correct, and I don't care either!) "Let's Pretend This Never happened" I am thrilled to bits with it and secretly wish I was able to tell a story as well as Jenny! Although fucked up in ways most unbelievable, there is a certain magnificent charm to her, her book and her humour that is quite often a LOL factor in my day!
Then we come to the business factors of life! I have an online market in less than 2 weeks, a huge 2 days festival in 1 month from TODAY! and I am in desperate need of creating and developing and producing enough stock for both! OMG, when you combine that with my absolute ability to be able to sit here and do almost NOTHING all day, most days and allow it all to compile and chip at my head space continuously getting closer and closer and no less work... I am slightly falling apart at the prospect of having it done and ignoring that it needs to be done in an attempt to hold it together which is totally working on the outside, but NOT AT ALL on the inside and I am still getting nothing done! Yay WAY. TO. GO. ME!!!
I have almost 50 crystal pendants to stitch, 27 crystal kits to make up, labels and uses to print out for them all after that. I have candle kits to put together and info sheets to go with those, I have dream pillow designs to draw and then sew and fill with wool and sew again!
I have note book cover to design and make, I have wall hangings that I need to create and on top of all that, a house with a mouse plague that I am failing to clean day in and week out... come the end of June I think it will be time to turn my attentions to what I have to manage outside of the business and get on top of that in time for the Medieval themed Fancy Dress Party we are throwing for our 30th birthdays in July... and I really need to type up a paper invite for that because I have more people to invite than just those on facebook!
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