It seems to me that a lot of people pretend to be someone they are not, and that they do so because people are not willing to accept who they actually are as a legitimate or meaningful thing.
A lot of the time I struggle to decide who I will be today. I find myself dreading going to certain places and seeing certain people. A lot of the time those people are the people closest to me, my family. My sister's, mother, father, in Laws...
Every where I turn everyone I have available to me for support all have limitations. Or if they don't, I feel as though they do!
I am a parent, I understand the implications of choosing to be a parent, and I understand the implications of choosing to be a parent who just needs some time out. I am a, let face this, pretty crap parent. I rarely do things with my children, I don't organise out of school activities, I rarely leave the house. Because of this my children follow my lead and they don't want to do things that require them to leave the house, even just to go outside and play... if it involves turning off the tv or computer they do not want to know.
And in true Bad parenting fashion, most of the time I just can't be bothered with the screaming match and arguement I need to have with them.
So I struggle with the thought that I am seen as the bad parent, hell if I see that in myself I am sure others see it.
I rely on my husband to do a lot of things and will not organise things for him to be involved with, without his input and this seems something that no one around me can accept. So I struggle with not being a 'good' wife.
I don't do housework, well I do, but not much, obviously not enough because my house is constantly in the shambles and the moods that evolve from that, escalate and make the whole thing worse. I am not a 'good' cleaner.
I struggle with time management, and inspiration, and when relying on those things to run a business it is just not good enough. I am not a 'good' business person.
My beliefs are unlike most people around me, I struggle to show people who I am because it is consistantly ridiculed by the people that are supposed to support me no matter what. When I show my children photo's or their births (crowning and placenta's) I am ridiculed because it is disgusting. I see it as beauty.
When I talk about the items I make and the properties they imbue, I am laughed at. Really most people ask me a question regarding what a dream pillow does, then as I explain they tune out and sometime start another conversation before I am finished.
Really if you are not interested don't waste my time in asking.
I enjoy who I am, for the most part. I don't enjoy who I pretend to be so that people will accept me.
My business has given me an outlet into a world of people I feel I can be myself with, I am not a good business person, I am not a good writer, I am not a good public speaker, in fact just walking in public and being seen makes me anxious. I don't enjoy buying things in person because it means I need to interact with people I don't know, face to face.
This coming month represents so much that is challenging for me, but also allows me the opportunity to shine in the element of belief that I hold so close.
The winter solstice is not far away. I will be taking my business to the local Body and Soul Festival, where I will invite people to share with me in banishing the old and embracing the new. I will have ritual tools set up and paper and pens for people to add the items they wish to banish and embrace to the ritual that I will perform on my home ground come the day and night of the solstice.
It is time to embrace what I am and not turn my back on it!
These songs are two that resonate with me at the moment.
and these ones are inspired by the winter solstice and may just find their way into my ritual night.