The Winter Solstice was a time of contemplation for me and has seen me make a few steps toward major life changes, nothing to drastic to be down for now, but a gentle process of acceptance for things to come and letting go of the ways of old.
I have been sinking into depressive 'episodes' and having gentle and discreet panic attacks more and more often in the last few months and nothing is helping me get a handle on it.
The release of tension and stress involved in commitments I had made has helped. The acceptance of changes that I didn't want to make have done more good than stressing about the changes I wanted to resist, but really knew I wouldn't be able to for much longer.
Tax time here brings with it new financial challenges and concerns of where the money needs to go and what we should do versus what we want to do and finding the balance in all that lies ahead. It most certainly isn't easy.
New ideas, old ideas, ideas that you just know are not going to be applicable to your life, no matter how much you want them to be.
At almost 30, I can only hope that at some point in the next 20 years I will have made some progress toward leaving something behind for my children rather than leaving something behind that will only take away from what they are trying to achieve when the time comes.
It is hard to contemplate leaving things behind for anyone! Death is an unknown, the when, how, where of it all is just the beginning!
There is the what happens after, and not just for me, for my children.
Will I get to see the next generation grow?
Call me whatever you might but I just can't accept the fact that it all just ends, regardless of body state. I just can't even fathom the idea that we just disappear and never know what our children and grand children got up too.. or for that matter any of the family any of us leave behind.
Maybe we get to a point where it really doesn't matter to us what happens to everyone else?
Wow, this post went an entirely different direction than I originally planned it!
It was supposed to be up beat, about our growing light and the ever present sunshine my area of the world has been receiving through the depths of winter when it should be dark, cold and wet.
Oh well things change, weather included!
Next post promises to be more interesting with photo's, fun and laughter!