June 24, 2010


Change is a small word with big meaning, of everything you do in life you must embrace change. It is something I have been lacking in recent times, but with the massive change in the political world here at the moment, I have embraced the theory of change and am determined to do something towards achieving the goal of changing my life, whether it be something small or large, emotional or material, physical or superficial. I have been contemplating so much change that nothing has actually changed and that means I am going no where fast with regards to just about everything.
My parenting is failing in the dismal winter bleakness as my son sits engrossed in any TV program or playstation game that I can put on to keep him entertained. Playdough only lasts so long before it gets boring for an almost 3 year old.
Bills pile up the credit card gets increasingly more full and I start to lose focus on what should be done and begin to ignore it all in the hope that it will all go away. Leaving me time to do something I want to do.
While one account loses funds before they hit it, another is gaining funds at a steady, strong rate preparing to pay some debt come November.
I want to enable the ability in myself to plan for my future, not just my children's future but my own future and the future of my relationship and the property we have committed ourselves to developing. Everything is being run from fortnight to fortnight and hoping that at some point something will just pop up to save us from ourselves. Putting trust out there is one thing but not making any changes to give that trust a chance to set us in good stead is an entirely different concept, nothing will be gained from sitting on ones hands other than the loss of feeling and ability in those hands.
I have been sitting on my hands long enough, day to day meanderings is just not going to cut it anymore. I have very little life of my own. I have a lack of confidence and belief in myself and as a person in my own right. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. But I struggle to be ME!
I have just watched the shortest day of the year pass me by without more than a silent thought that it was happening and it is of massive importance to me, to the core of who I am, who I long to be.
I have recently discovered that I need to find a path that I can take to have some sort of income, whether that be work, study to gain qualifications for work, or something business preparations of my own doing. So taking a career test was my first port of call which didn't really help much, it told me the most suitable career for me would be, one of about 10 things only a few of which interest me, of which barely any are obtainable for a mother of 3 with a partner in full time work who refuses to put her children in care. I mean sure they have days and some nights (for the older children) at there grandparents place, only really hours for the toddler as she is still breastfeeding. But leaving them for 8 hour days 5 days a week is not on my agenda. Making that choice leaves limited options for both work and study and presents additional problems for business preparations.
I am a creative person at heart and would love to work on that to some degree, I have a strong interest in sewing, photography, scrapbooking and plants, mainly food and medicinal plants. I love the ocean and animals and always wanted to be a marine biologist and aside from the major lack of time to study it would also require me to not only leave my children but leave my home, there are no courses near me and no distance courses that can be applied to sciences, due to the extensive practical nature of the subject.
So I am stuck here in a loop trying to figure out where to go and what to do, time for change......

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