I have started up this group as a means to help people understand that there is support available for those who do not want to birth in the westernised standard. (If I can call it that)
In doing so I have come to understand that there is alot of thoughts and feelings in my head about my own misgivings and lack of understandings that need to be worked on.
I can not comprehend how it feels to have a massive birth trauma, and this brings me to the knowledge that I can therefore never hope to fully support someone through that. I have only even been in contact with people who are happy at the outcome of their surgery and had elected to take the same option for birth the next time around.
I fear because of this I may never fully reach my capacity to help people through birth and birth trauma because I can not fully understand what they are going through and this saddens me greatly.
I am not the type of person who articulates things well and for that reason I fear as a homebirth advocate, and a future doula. I will lack the courage and capacity to support women in the way that they rely on me to do because I can not explain the reasons behind the choices these woman have made with my backing! I understand my reasoning and believe in it fully, but I can not seem to convey that reasoning to other people. I can not speak publicly, will that have an impact on how this group is run and what we stand for if the person who started the whole idea can not get up and speak on behalf of the entire group?
I have no idea where to start working through these things or even if it is possible to work through them, I just need to put it all out there.
I need to apologise. I am sorry I can't support you in the way that you need at the moment, I have tried to see past everything else, but I still come up short of where I need to be for you. The experience you had is so far beyond my comprehension that I do not know the first step to take to help you work through it and for that reason I find taking a step back more appropriate for me at this time.