Life moves along...

No matter what you feel, think or want.

Life always moves on and drags you with it, you have a choice to make that movement work with you or against you, and if it comes to a deadline you have to meet, things will get tough and it will be hard to manage and at times you will fail, but nothing has stopped around you so the moment you sit and stop to 'give up' you are wasting a moment in time that you could be using to reach that goal.

Now having said that, if you don't sit down and take stock of everything now and again, it can feel like you should just give up!

In reference to my last post;

There is a lot there that I will never achieve to an end point, I think I have found my way, it is however always going to be lost again at random times through my life, and that is ok.
Inspiration comes and goes, and the inspiration you find might not be the inspiration that you sort out to find. I have found inspiration to enrich the relationship I had with my husband, that part of the relationship that we lost, it is a long process and there is no rushing back to where we were, because that brings added stresses and pressures that we need to adjust to slowly. I think a lot of the problem was that with all the changes we made in our lives our relationship never fully adjusted to those changes and that caused us to stress and turn out thoughts inwards and forget the bigger picture, that is us and our lives together and as a family.
So inspiration has been found but in a different direction to the inspiration I was hoping to find.
Dreams, what is a dream? If you realise one dream and make it come about, you add another dream to the list and you will find an ever increasing list of dreams both old and new, accomplished and yet to accomplish.
Wants, a bit more specific than dreams but much the same principle.
I have taken a rather large step forward in my want and dream to have something that I am that isn't "mum, wife, housekeeper"
I am going to enrol in the bridging courses I need to start my Uni degree (hopefully next year). This is something that I have moved to do at least twice before, this time I will be doing it, there is no more "life is too hard right now"...
I have seen the struggles of some friends moving through this and if my life is too hard to move on with something so important to me then their lives must be worse than hell.
It is inspiring to see other people taking on and accomplishing so much, yes it is hard and hellish at times, but you can move through it and make it work or you can throw it aside and never know if you could have done it!

Being the best parent you can, changes on a day to day basis, you work through the bad and try and calm the angry, and enjoy the great times. There will always be days where you just can't seem to manage and that is ok too :)
I am strong, I can do this, I am going to do this, and I will do, and be, the best I can.

This is my time to rise up and be ME, to do MY thing, and that doesn't mean I don't care about my children and it doesn't mean I am more important than my children, it means we are equal and that we all deserve to have what we want and need.
I can't give my children what they want or need if I am not giving myself a little of the same.

Nurture the parent to nurture the child.

My life is looking good, I feel good, I have plans, I am no longer lost in the mess, I may still be struggling to clean it all up, but I can see the end, and it looks GREAT!


I went shopping the other day and treated myself, I have a new cocktail dress for an engagement party, I have a new dress and a cardi to wear out tomorrow night, I have shoes to match. I am going on a date with my husband. I am excited and nervous, we may have been married almost 10 years but we have never really done this (save anniversary night) Other than my leavers dinner and wedding day, I have never bought clothes for a specific purpose!
I have always hated shopping, and I loved my shopping day this week, having a shopping assistant who is experienced probably helped :)

Life feels GOOD! :)

Life's little moments..

You know those moments when everything just seems perfect and you feel like if you just ride it out everything will just fall into place?

I enjoy those moments.

I have moments of clarity where ideas pop in and out of my head like waves and it seems like I could do anything, and then the next wave hits and I can't figure out a way to get that inspiration out and turn it to matter...

So much is in my mind, I am lacking the inspiration to turn it into the matter I crave to have.
Not only that but when I do find that inspiration, the matter isn't ever quite making it up to the standard that the mind is producing in thought.

Maybe I need to find a new focus point?

My world coming together?

Things are still a little lost in my world, and that is ok.

I need to find my way again,
I need to find my inspiration,
I need to realise my own dreams,
I need to discover what I want,

I want to be the best parent I can be.
I want to be the best person I can be.
I want to beable to say, hey I did this.
I want to say I am strong.

I don't want my world to crash down around me.
I don't want to feel weak and helpless
I don't want to rely on my children to get me through to the next phase.

I can do this, I will do this,
This will work out the best way it can.

Time.... it all takes time.

just to update...

Well BIG changes are afoot in my world.

My Husband and I have separated, this was my choice.
Everyone keeps asking me if I am ok, and you know, I am...

I had my first night alone on Saturday and was a little lost... I hadn't had a full night alone in well I don't know how long...

I struggled with my breasts, which got rather huge and sore a few times, I am still feeding my 22mo daughter.
She however didn't struggle at all but as soon as she walked in the door sunday afternoon her words were "I want boobie" <3

So many things to organise and arrange/rearrange so that everything fits into it's place...

New month. New Inspiration.

Finding my way.

It is infinitely more difficult to find your own way in life when you have children attached.
Finding time to do anything for yourself is, well, damned hard!
You just settle into a 'job' that needs doing and you get interrupted time after time, sometimes with things as simple as "'rink" or as difficult as "omg, child, you stink!!!!"
Then there is the occasion that you stop for a moment to listen, and hear nothing... you wonder whether to go and find out or not, then you do just to be sure. On the good occasion you find them playing happily together (or alone) and breathe a sigh of relief. On the other hand it is just as likely you will find that they have found something wonderful to play with (like your sister's unopened chemistry set), and given that you already told them that they where not to touch xyz, you lose your temper, and ensues uncontrollable screaming, both from you and the child who really doesn't understand what they did wrong.

So it was today, that I found my groove and wanted to get this job done! And said chemistry set was on the mind of middle kidlet! I lost it, he lost it, screaming ensued. What did we get out of it? Well 3 very upset people! He was upset because I said, (or rather yelled) "No, that is not for you, it is not safe." I was upset because he was doing something that he shouldn't have had access to, and it was my failing that allowed it all to happen, and the baby kidlet was upset because well, when you are surrounded by screaming, crying upset people, you seem to feel upset too. So after a good dose of drinks, food, some quite boobies and calming down time.... I set back to work doing what I started, and when I was interrupted, I STOPPED what I was doing, paid attention to my kidlets, sorted out their needs and then went about my job again.

Miraculously I finished in record time, and I have been sitting here typing this post out and have had *no* interruptions. I feel like I have accomplished at least something today, which has inspired me to get more done.

Dare I say it, I think I need a list!