It seems I only blog when I get in a really bad way mentally!
Just having an outlet to pile up all the shit that is running through my head is a great help... although really most of what I write here does actually make sense, the things that are fighting for attention in my head space totally don't! It still allows me time to think beyond the mind jumble and that I guess is where the help really lies!
In the last month (and a bit) that I have failed to blog, I have been rolling with the punches, that is pretty much the sum of life for me at the moment.
I achieved an amazing thing - I 'ran' an 8km fun run on the 25th April, I completed it in 67 minutes + some seconds... absolutely thrilled with that performance by me!
I always talk about it to others as though it was nothing and wasn't good enough... I tell you I need to bask in my glory and allow myself to tell other people I am happy and excited by those achievements, unfortunately anytime someone asks I play it down and say "I didn't do too bad" or "Yeah, it was ok"
And because of that, no one celebrates with me... well except the Opmove crew! They are amazing!
Apparently people are concerned that I am going 'too far' with my commitment to moving and running, if only they knew what would happen if I didn't have that commitment it might change their thought processes, at least make them think twice! I actually ENJOY running, I enjoy going out and spending that time thinking about how my feet land, how I need to soften my strike so as not to put so much pressure on my knees, to keep my head up, to manage my breathing correctly. To wonder why my shoulder suddenly started aching for no apparent reason... but stopped when I hit a walk interval... In those moments there is nothing but me and my body to worry about or take care of, everything else STOPS for those moments. I long for more and more of those times every day, sometimes I worry that life will become more about those moments of 'just me' and less about the reality I am always drawn back into. But for just those moments that is something I don't think about!
Last week I spent 490 minutes in those moments, this week I aimed to do that again and more, at this stage I am pretty sure I will not reach that target. But the attempt is something wonderful in it's own right.
I haven't been for a run for way too long, I am hoping to break that drought this weekend. Outside, alone and content!
May 15, 2014
March 26, 2014
Struggle Town and beyond?
There are things I don't post here, even though I have said, time and again, I will be open and honest and I just don't care about reads my posts, I still struggle to give voice to some things.
I have read many a blog post on depression and the struggles that come with it. But I have never been truely open on my own blog about MY struggles with it. It is time for change, maybe people will relate, maybe they will get lost along the way, maybe they will think I just need to suck things up and get by!
Each to their own, until you experience depression you don't KNOW depression, and then there are many, MANY, levels of depression.
I always talk down my illness, it is a state of mind that I have... I don't normally refer to it as an illness, I don't let people know often that I suffer from depression, I don't tell people I am on meds, and have been for nearly a year now. It is not something I am happy to admit or talk about because some people just don't get it!
That is ok, because they don't have too, I hope that if they are faced with someone close to them suffering with this illness, they will reach out and research what they can (and shouldn't) do to help.
It is only in the last few months I have really felt how much my depression changes me and my relationships with other people.
My marriage has reached desperate lows and we started counselling, we have moved forward leaps and bounds then had everything fall in a heap time after time.
I struggle with this because I have a firm belief that all these struggles are the fault of me, because of my depression, then I hate myself for putting it all on me... it is a massive cycle of hate that funnily enough probably has more to do with the depression than anything else.
And that ^ right there is the best way to sum up what my depression is doing to me, even on meds! I still have the highs and lows the ups and downs, I still get the voice in my head that tells me I am useless and worthless! That all the blame for everything and anything that happens to and around me that isn't 'GOOD' is somehow my fault, if not because I have done something it is because I haven't!
There is always a reason to feel the guilt for any and all actions, or inactions... if I have a day where I get stuff done, it isn't good enough because I didn't get EVERYTHING done. If I had a day where I got all the housework done it wouldn't be enough because I didn't, get my run in. If I get my run in, it isn't good enough because the time wasn't better than the last one...
Right now, I am at that low... about as low as I have been, since starting the meds. I will be making an appointment with my GP in the next few weeks to get a new script and will be asking for a change in med or dosage. I will also be asking for a referral to a Physch. Because mental health isn't just fixed by a pill.
When I first started on the meds, the change was huge and quick, maybe I was too hopeful that everything would work out from there? I wasn't given the option or advice to seek help from anywhere else, the meds would do their thing and I would be all good soon enough!
A year on from then and it seems that is not the case.
I may have managed to pinpoint something today that gave me hope for my future. I think I have finally found my trigger, it is the reason I want another baby sooo much, the reason the illness developed to the point that it is. I am lost! As a person, I went through school with a goal, then I met my (now) husband, and my goals changed and shifted, as goals in life so often do. I had my baby, when she reached school age we were trying for our second child, and a year later I was pregnant with our 3rd... they were MY goals, that is who I wanted to be... Now my youngest is in her first year of school, attending 3 days a week, next year will see my oldest in Year 7 and my youngest in her first year of FULLTIME school, and I am no longer needed 24/7... I will always be here for them but as they grow in independence, I am losing what I feel is my worth. There is nothing for me here now... I am not needed...
I have found space for myself in a few other places, I have the community and advice at Operation Move, I am finding strength and purpose in aiming for what seems like INSANE running goals, I have become a solid participant in the local Badminton group thanks, in part, to opmove for giving me a new found sense of direction and achievement.
But this still doesn't give me a life goal, it helps short term, and gives me something to move towards but when it comes to what I want out of my life I am still lost!
I went for a run yesterday... here are 10 things I learnt on my run... (not one of them helps long term but some of them raise my spirits enough that I can keep moving, and eventually find that long-term SOMETHING I am searching for)
1. I love wearing my Opmove singlet - although I feel nervous and anxious when people comment on it.
2. I really need a new Sports Bra... this one isn't cutting it anymore!
3. Outdoor runs are much harder on me physically than treadmill runs!
4. I need to work on strengthening my Glutes, to stop my Calves from hating me.
5. I hate to run in front of strangers, unless they are running too!
6. I want to punch people who see me running, then later walking, and ask "What Happened?"
7. Full Sun plus meds that change how your body feels temperature = too hot, even in Tassie and 22degrees
8. Hills will be the death of me... and my calves!
9. I have the discipline to pull the car over and JFDI, when all I really want is to go home and sleep
10. Runners? - I AM ONE!!!
The one thing I do have now, that I would have never thought possible given this post, is an infinite and unrestrained LOVE for myself, my body and what it can do... I may have a head full of negative hate talk and guilt, but sitting just seconds behind that is a strength and love for myself that I am constantly shocked by!
xoxo
Katie
I have read many a blog post on depression and the struggles that come with it. But I have never been truely open on my own blog about MY struggles with it. It is time for change, maybe people will relate, maybe they will get lost along the way, maybe they will think I just need to suck things up and get by!
Each to their own, until you experience depression you don't KNOW depression, and then there are many, MANY, levels of depression.
I always talk down my illness, it is a state of mind that I have... I don't normally refer to it as an illness, I don't let people know often that I suffer from depression, I don't tell people I am on meds, and have been for nearly a year now. It is not something I am happy to admit or talk about because some people just don't get it!
That is ok, because they don't have too, I hope that if they are faced with someone close to them suffering with this illness, they will reach out and research what they can (and shouldn't) do to help.
It is only in the last few months I have really felt how much my depression changes me and my relationships with other people.
My marriage has reached desperate lows and we started counselling, we have moved forward leaps and bounds then had everything fall in a heap time after time.
I struggle with this because I have a firm belief that all these struggles are the fault of me, because of my depression, then I hate myself for putting it all on me... it is a massive cycle of hate that funnily enough probably has more to do with the depression than anything else.
And that ^ right there is the best way to sum up what my depression is doing to me, even on meds! I still have the highs and lows the ups and downs, I still get the voice in my head that tells me I am useless and worthless! That all the blame for everything and anything that happens to and around me that isn't 'GOOD' is somehow my fault, if not because I have done something it is because I haven't!
There is always a reason to feel the guilt for any and all actions, or inactions... if I have a day where I get stuff done, it isn't good enough because I didn't get EVERYTHING done. If I had a day where I got all the housework done it wouldn't be enough because I didn't, get my run in. If I get my run in, it isn't good enough because the time wasn't better than the last one...
Right now, I am at that low... about as low as I have been, since starting the meds. I will be making an appointment with my GP in the next few weeks to get a new script and will be asking for a change in med or dosage. I will also be asking for a referral to a Physch. Because mental health isn't just fixed by a pill.
When I first started on the meds, the change was huge and quick, maybe I was too hopeful that everything would work out from there? I wasn't given the option or advice to seek help from anywhere else, the meds would do their thing and I would be all good soon enough!
A year on from then and it seems that is not the case.
I may have managed to pinpoint something today that gave me hope for my future. I think I have finally found my trigger, it is the reason I want another baby sooo much, the reason the illness developed to the point that it is. I am lost! As a person, I went through school with a goal, then I met my (now) husband, and my goals changed and shifted, as goals in life so often do. I had my baby, when she reached school age we were trying for our second child, and a year later I was pregnant with our 3rd... they were MY goals, that is who I wanted to be... Now my youngest is in her first year of school, attending 3 days a week, next year will see my oldest in Year 7 and my youngest in her first year of FULLTIME school, and I am no longer needed 24/7... I will always be here for them but as they grow in independence, I am losing what I feel is my worth. There is nothing for me here now... I am not needed...
I have found space for myself in a few other places, I have the community and advice at Operation Move, I am finding strength and purpose in aiming for what seems like INSANE running goals, I have become a solid participant in the local Badminton group thanks, in part, to opmove for giving me a new found sense of direction and achievement.
But this still doesn't give me a life goal, it helps short term, and gives me something to move towards but when it comes to what I want out of my life I am still lost!
I went for a run yesterday... here are 10 things I learnt on my run... (not one of them helps long term but some of them raise my spirits enough that I can keep moving, and eventually find that long-term SOMETHING I am searching for)
1. I love wearing my Opmove singlet - although I feel nervous and anxious when people comment on it.
2. I really need a new Sports Bra... this one isn't cutting it anymore!
3. Outdoor runs are much harder on me physically than treadmill runs!
4. I need to work on strengthening my Glutes, to stop my Calves from hating me.
5. I hate to run in front of strangers, unless they are running too!
6. I want to punch people who see me running, then later walking, and ask "What Happened?"
7. Full Sun plus meds that change how your body feels temperature = too hot, even in Tassie and 22degrees
8. Hills will be the death of me... and my calves!
9. I have the discipline to pull the car over and JFDI, when all I really want is to go home and sleep
10. Runners? - I AM ONE!!!
The one thing I do have now, that I would have never thought possible given this post, is an infinite and unrestrained LOVE for myself, my body and what it can do... I may have a head full of negative hate talk and guilt, but sitting just seconds behind that is a strength and love for myself that I am constantly shocked by!
xoxo
Katie
January 5, 2014
Must be about time for this:
I hope everyone had a wonderful Festive season and welcomed the New Year in style.
It was hectic family filled fun time over Christmas for me. The new year was bought in, in style with me babysitting a gorgeous little man, I dearly miss having a baby around and delight in looking after my cousin's gorgeous boy, so she could have some fun baby free time.
I have also been sick with a chest infection since the 27th December, taking it as a sign that this is the worst 2014 will bring to me.
Weighing in on Friday saw me only just under the 95kg mark, I didn't meet my Christmas goal of 85kg, but really this doesn't bother me so much, another year of scheduled moving will help kick some more goals. With the help of the awesome team at OperationMove. I recommend you all go there and check out how supportive the team is of EVERYONE, beginner, runner, swimmer, rider, walker, team sports, what ever your moving situation let the team have a go at supporting you. They Rock!!!
Weighing in on Friday saw me only just under the 95kg mark, I didn't meet my Christmas goal of 85kg, but really this doesn't bother me so much, another year of scheduled moving will help kick some more goals. With the help of the awesome team at OperationMove. I recommend you all go there and check out how supportive the team is of EVERYONE, beginner, runner, swimmer, rider, walker, team sports, what ever your moving situation let the team have a go at supporting you. They Rock!!!
2014 brings with it the promise of opportunity, it sees my youngest child starting her first school year, leaving me child free Mon, Tues and Wed. EVERY WEEK. This means I have more opportunity to move. More opportunity to move, means I can better myself, fitness, speed, distance! It also brings me more opportunity to be part of the OpMove team, to inspire others and to potentially meet other team members in person. Melbourne Running Festival 2014 anyone?
I am slowly recovering from my chest infection, with the help of lots of rest and antibiotics! I am still hopeful that I will at least be able to walk my Cadbury Marathon 5k Fun run on the 12th. If anyone would like to support me in my run, I am raising funds for AMAZE, the Victorian Autism community HERE.
Or I would be grateful if you would donate to the Clown Doctors via THIS fundraising page, as due to a technical issue Denis's supporters have been directed and donated to my choice of charity and not his own.
I have also signed up for my next event the Women's 5k, in Launceston to support breast cancer research and awareness in March.
I am excited by my future fitness and running ability, and would be delighted if you would join me or share this post around for others to join or read about.
xox
Katie
October 12, 2013
When things don't quite go to plan!
Holidays
(the school variety, when does a mother really get a holiday?):
Wednesday
was a new day and I was determined to fit in another run. This time I thought I might as well push
myself, so W2D1 C25K it was...
Sunday was a
great day with hardly any wind, so I went out in the back yard for some
Badminton – movement total for the holidays creeps up to about 2.5 hours, plus
incidentals.
Brings me to Today – Monday (Yes I wrote this post in a notebook while on holiday with no internet access)
Tuesday and
Wednesday are a bit of a blur and a mix up, there was a walk to the playground,
(with some laps around the fence for mummy), a trip into town and a stop at
another playground! This one had Swings and Mummy enjoyed that! Also bubbles! Lots and lots of bubbles, and
popping of bubbles...
In Tassie
not so much the Sun, Surf and Sand that a lot of main-landers tend to enjoy at
this time of year, but as a lifelong Tasmanian, it is all about those things
for me! Well when I can be bothered with
the packing and moaning by kidlets, that seems relentless!
Completely
prone to a lack of organisation I find myself still packing when we reach our
designated leaving time and getting increasingly frustrated as the minutes pass
and things don’t quite fit in the car the way your had hoped, and you find yourself
leaving items behind.
Eventually
we are all in the car and off on the 2.5hour (ish) journey!
Thankfully
no one was travel sick on the journey, which is actually quite regular
with my children.
I had BIG
moving plans! Almost 2 weeks away, sun,
surf and sand... and half of that time I had adult people available to CHILD
MIND!!
I started
off well, I arrived Sunday afternoon, unloaded the car and set about making the
little shack into a temporary home!
Monday saw me arise at 6.05am (who am I?) to complete W1D1 (week1day1)
of the Couch to 5K app – EASILY! OMFG!
My first
attempt on the treadmill at home I failed miserably! But who fails when they have fresh sea air
and THIS view!
I had all
these plans that meant moving every day but by Monday night I flicked off the
alarm for Tuesday morning! Driving around to new places, walking to all these
amazing views:
Then eating
a huge seafood basket for lunch, had me not wanting to move at ALL, let alone
at 6am!
So Tuesday
we pottered around and didn’t do much of anything! Some cooking with the kidlets, which is a
HUGE treat for them, as I am a ‘no kids in the kitchen kinda cook’!
By afternoon
I was well over everything so I headed out for a steady walk around the place
to clear my head!
Wednesday
was a new day and I was determined to fit in another run. This time I thought I might as well push
myself, so W2D1 C25K it was...
Completed! Plus some extra cool down walking time along
the water’s edge watching the birds!
It was
harder than W1D1, but I completed it without too much pain, so I will stick
with W2 until it becomes easier for me!
Bringing us
up to Thursday when my youngest developed a tummy pain, fever and spots! I was
desperately hoping the spots were just a fever rash, and was entirely relieved
when they faded to nothing after her first ‘vomit then sleep’ bout! While she slept I made a quick dash to the
shops to stock up on special dessert treats!
Did I mention
this was Holiday Junkfood Fest?
The rest of
the day was spent snuggling 4yo sickie, in between doing the endless washing
and dinner prep for everyone else!
Friday
morning saw the 4yo jump out of bed bright and chirpy feeling “I’m not sick
anymore" and Mummy not so chirpy after spending a wakeful night in a
single bed with her! Can you tell yet that Friday was a right off too?
My Sister
and children arrived Friday afternoon to spend the weekend with us.
Saturday
morning we checked out the local market and opshop and wandered around the town
checking out the sites, then back to base as we were expecting another arrival.
My Sister in
Law arrived later that arvo and took a bunch of the children to the playground.
Sunday was a
great day with hardly any wind, so I went out in the back yard for some
Badminton – movement total for the holidays creeps up to about 2.5 hours, plus
incidentals. 
SIL left at
about 11am with my eldest kidlet and my 17yo SIL (and main childminder) in
tow. So Sunday arvo we headed off to the
jetty for some fishing and sand play!
Then around
to another beach for some rock pools, rock hopping and heart stopping moments
from Miss 4’s antics and some more beautiful views again!
Brings me to Today – Monday (Yes I wrote this post in a notebook while on holiday with no internet access)
My sister
and children left this morning leaving me alone with 2 kidlets. We cooked a vanilla Tea cake, Painted and
Potted around the house the rest of the day.
Tuesday and
Wednesday are a bit of a blur and a mix up, there was a walk to the playground,
(with some laps around the fence for mummy), a trip into town and a stop at
another playground! This one had Swings and Mummy enjoyed that! Also bubbles! Lots and lots of bubbles, and
popping of bubbles... 
Thursday saw
us head home, with a lot of vomiting and pulling over on the way... also a
lovely stop of at my other sister’s house for lunch and a quick visit. Home in time for Miss 4 to walk into the
carpeted lounge room before vomiting AGAIN.
Then off we go to Badminton, and I did some walking and running around
in between games!
School goes
back Monday and day to day life goes back to normal for us.
September 27, 2013
Kicking Goals!
It seems the month to start kicking goals on this journey of mine!
By that I mean - I am moving at least 3 times a week - Playing Badminton for between 60 and 90 minutes 3 times a week.
I have also kicked my first BIG weight-loss goal and am currently down to 94.4kg! I have broken through the 95kg barrier that sees me at my lightest weight in around 12 years!
I fit into the wedding dress I was married in on the first of September 2001!
So important stats for anyone who wants to know:
I have lost a total of:
I am very happy at my current results and am not planning to stop anytime soon!
There is still a lot of fitness work to be done for me to reach those goals!
Oh and also check out my new 'Get Moving' gear....
Isn't Kate AWESOME, also, check out the AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT some of our OpMovers pulled off last weekend!
SOOOOO INSPIRATIONAL
By that I mean - I am moving at least 3 times a week - Playing Badminton for between 60 and 90 minutes 3 times a week.
I have also kicked my first BIG weight-loss goal and am currently down to 94.4kg! I have broken through the 95kg barrier that sees me at my lightest weight in around 12 years!
I fit into the wedding dress I was married in on the first of September 2001!
So important stats for anyone who wants to know:
I have lost a total of:
10.1 kilograms
12cm from Waist
10cm from Hips
9cm from Thighs
5cm from Arms
13cm from Chest
in 15 weeks!
Here are the photo's in my undies to prove it ;)
 |
| 14th June 2013 vs 27 September 2013 |
I am very happy at my current results and am not planning to stop anytime soon!
There is still a lot of fitness work to be done for me to reach those goals!
Oh and also check out my new 'Get Moving' gear....
Isn't Kate AWESOME, also, check out the AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT some of our OpMovers pulled off last weekend!
SOOOOO INSPIRATIONAL
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